Happy birthday, Chelly! Now that you’re a grown-up, here are (drumroll please…)
The Rules For Grown-Ups
* You are no longer allowed to use scented pens, pens with feathers, or Sharpies-on-a-Keyring. You may not add Clifford stickers, glitter, or smiley faces to your outgoing mail.
* You must now start all sentences with the phrase, “Back when I was your age.”
* You must pretend to forget stuff. (This is good practice for The Real Wonder Years, which are categorized by phrases like “I wonder where my keys/glasses/dog/teeth/are.”) Have fun with it: it makes life such a beautiful and interesting adventure.
* You are now old enough to be given the Secret Traffic Laws for Grown-ups: your speed limit is ten miles below the posted one. Your turn signal may only be used when you have absolutely no intention of turning anywhere. Your horn is now a musical instrument. You are now free to ignore all of those distracting lines they’ve painted on the roads.
"Oh, honey, I found it at Wally World. Doncha jist love it?!? It's a Collector's Item."
* Pull out the creepy knick-knacks. Every last one of them. Spread the love.
* Own that Cranky Attitude. Wallow in it.
* You are no longer allowed to throw temper tantrums in Wal-Mart. I’m sorry, but you’re now A Mature Adult.
* Your reading material must now come from the Gardening Section, the Arts and Crafts Section, the Crossword Puzzle Section, or the Ancient History section. You may not purchase anything from the Young Adult section. You may, however, write a sternly worded letter to Messrs. Barnes and Noble reprimanding them for not having an Old Adult section.
* You must change your online purchasing habits: Amazon.com is out, HSN is in.
Rock on, sista soul.
* You must trade in all of your Lady Gaga music for Englebert Humperdink. That newfangled ipod thing-a-ma-jig is out, now that you’re too old to understand how to work it. Dust off your boom box.
* You must purchase a Days-of-the-Week pill case. You may not fill it with Skittles.
* You must watch the 6 a.m. news. Please develop strong opinions about bias in the media so we know you are in compliance.
* You must discuss the condition of your bowels frequently.
* Give your opinion on everything loudly and freely to everyone with whom you come in contact, whether they want it or not.
* You must spend your Laffy-Taffy money on one a them real pretty Life-Alert necklaces.
* Your breakfast choices now include Corn Flakes, Corn Flakes, and Corn Flakes. Note: this means Great Value Corn Flakes from Wal-Mart. Period. (You are now On a Fixed Income.)
* You must now answer the question ” How are you doing?” truthfully, and in vivid detail. You must leave nothing to the imagination.
* You must choose two stories from your childhood. (Not the funny or interesting ones where I am the main character. The mundane ones about your travel habits to and from elementary school will do quite nicely.) Practice telling these stories to your friends, your family, and perfect strangers. Please leave out important details so as to add to the suspense.
Postcards from the Edge...
* All vacations henceforth and forevermore must now include fun activities like Bingo and nickel slots. Oh, and you must wear a wide-brimmed hat.
* You are now authorized to wear belts and suspenders at the same time. Flaunt this privilege with pride.
* You are now eligible to drive the motorized grocery cart at Wal-Mart. Please note: running over more than three of those inconsiderate walkers in one trip will result in suspension of you motor cart privileges.
* You must memorize the programing schedule for the Game Show Network, and plan your schedule around it accordingly. You now are Mature, and Have Your Priorities in Order.
* You must wear socks with your sandals, and all of your sandals must have copious amounts of velcro.
* You must learn to love the prune, and all food-stuffs that have Extra Fiber.
"Serenity now!!"
* You must never ever eat dinner after 4:30. Ever.
Please note: There are more of these rules, but as this author has been Over Forty for well nigh on three months now, and consequently, they have floated out right of her little old brain along with the reason why I’m in Wal-mart right now. (I know I needed something…let me just wander down the magazine aisle-I’m sure it’ll come to me…ooh, look! There’s a new Organic Gardener out!)
Maybe I’m here because I just wanted to ride the cart. Nope, that ain’t it-somebody done took my favorite one; it’s got a purty red flag on it. I had to settle for this flagless one with the crappy turning radius. Oh, I remember now. “Move it, moron! I’m comin’ through! I’m having a Corn Flake Emergency!”